Let Me Be The Wallpaper That Papers Up Your Room
by sendosenpai
Summary: A delightful crossover between Bungou Stray Dogs/Ouran High School Host Club/One Piece/Princess Jellyfish/Death Note (2017)/Yuri On Ice! Frequent weekly updates so please stick around :P University AU, bodyswitch AU, Harry Potter AU.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"Only those with excellent social standing and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite university Oxbridge University. The Oxbridge Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Oxbridge University's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful." Tamaki brushed his dark brown hair out of his brown eyes as he gazed at himself in the mirror.  
"What?" Tamaki turned towards the speaker, a young man with bright blond hair and dazzling blue eyes in a blue suit. "Why are explaining this to me? I go to the same school as you; I have been for a year."  
"I know, I just thought I'd let the wonderful viewers know about my esteemed school and how someone as lovely as moi, the King, got into this terrible predicament with you, a commoner."  
"Listen," Dazai muttered crossly. "You can't say such weird things in my body. You'll spoil it!"  
"But I guess they're wondering what happened exactly," Tamaki carried on, ignoring the older male. "You see it all happened a long time ago, about an hour I think. This commoner, Dazai, thought it would be fun to make fun of the President of the Black Magic club, Nekozawa, and his Curse Doll. Everyone knows he can't go out in direct sunlight, and yet you decided to shine a light right into his face, risking the lives of everyone in the room! I still remember when he cursed me before just for bumping into him! And now he has body switched us!"  
"Honestly I was surprised that he was able to, considering my ability of No Longer Human. So it must be that he used some kind of magic that is not ability-related, similar to that beast Lovecraft. Perhaps he holds the key to defeating Fitzgerald." Dazai mused.  
"But why was I caught up in all this?" Tamaki pouted.  
"Nekozawa said that I, the smartest in the school, was to be switched with the stupidest as my punishment. Clearly he meant you."  
Tamaki felt like he'd just been stabbed by a large arrow. He crawled away in into the corner, the epitome of despair, mushrooms sprouting from his back. "And apparently the curse can only be reversed by true love's kiss. That means I must kiss Haruhi! But is it right for a father to want to marry his daughter?"  
"It is if you have a daddy kink," Dazai said flippantly. "But I think it'll be best if we pretend to be each other until we get this sorted out, for funsies you know?"  
"Yes! Clearly this is a body switch AU, and I'm main character that must suffer in this commoner's body! But for now I must woo Haruchi whilst in this body, though with this face I'm not sure that's possible."  
"Hey!" Dazai shouted. "My body is a temple, it is a piece of art."  
"How dare you! I'm someone who is beautiful inside and out, which I why I made the Host Club so that my good looks arr in the open for every young lady to admire, it's a public service!"  
"I'm leaving. I have better things to do then listen to a boi talk about women as if he understands how they work."  
"I am a gentleman!' Tamaki shouted. "Hey get back here!" But it was too late, Dazai, in Tamaki's body, had already left the room.

Usopp's hand runs up Shu's thigh. He gasps. "Shu," he moans. "S- _Shu_ -"

Shu the thirty-year-old virgin smirks. _Finally, I will lose my virginity_! he thinks. He presses Usopp further into Shank's wooden teaching table and leans over him, reaching for his lips with his own.

But there's a problem.

A dire problem.

Usopp's nose –

-is too large –

 _-for their lips to meet._

They both stop suddenly.

Usopp's nose caresses Shu's chin as he looks into his smokey smouldering eyes. His lips quiver, cheeks red with desire, as he **gay** zes at his object of affection. Shu's glasses are skewed on his nose as he looks down at the curly-haired astrology student.

He leans down towards the smaller student slowly and sensually caresses the tip of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Usopp's eyes flutter shut and he whimpers at the sexual sensation.

"You're so hot Usopp," he says with a smile. Usopp's lips part as he huffs out a breath.

The bell rings and both their head turn towards the door. Shu pulls away from Usopp. "I have to leave to clean classroom 8B," he says, falling into his janitorial position. Usopp has never heard anything hotter.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Shanks walked into the classroom about half an hour late, "Sorry I'm late guys, my bitch stole my hat again." The astrology teacher claimed his bitch (Luffy) took his treasured straw hat whenever he was late but most of the class just assumed he was sleeping in or hungover. The Red-Haired professor wasn't exactly known for his punctuality. How he'd gotten tenure was one of the many Oxbridge mysteries.

Dazai-in-Tamaki's-body turned around to Haruhi and took a mechanical pencil from her desk. "Can I just take this? Thanks."

"Hey! I got that from the Salvation Army!" Haruhi protested.

"Then I'm sure you won't miss it," replied Dazai with a shrug.

Tamaki-in-Dazai's-body turned around and scowled. "How could you be so ungentlemanly? Haruhi is a lady and should be treated as such!"

Dazai whipped around, wide eyed. "That's a _girl_? Since when?"

Tamaki smirked, pleased to know something someone else didn't for once. "I instinctively knew from the moment I lay eyes on her feminine charm and beauty."

"That sounds like something Tamaki-senpai would say," muttered Haruhi to herself.

Dazai said very loudly, "Yes, I'm Tamaki. I'm self absorbed, have a daddy kink and am almost as smart as a mushroom."

Tamaki jumped up in anger. " I am not self absorbed! I run a host club for girls with too much time on their hands, helped a doctor find his daughter, helped the magazine club..." realising his words fell on deaf ears he changed tact and said, "I'm Dazai. I keep trying to kill myself but can't manage even that. Watch." He took a ruler and over dramatically hit himself on the neck with it.

Dazai spun around and pulled out a teddy bear from his blazer, using it as a hostage. Tamaki's eyes bulge – _Kuma-Chan_?

Dazai grabs an iced cupcake from Honey's grip. "I'll do it – I'll smush it in his face."

"No! Kuma-Chan! Daddy will save you!" Tamaki-in-Dazai's-body pulls out a convieniently –placed gun from the jacket he is wearing that is not his own and wholly Dazai's. There was a momentary silence as the class watched the two engage in their standoff.

 _Why is Tamaki-senpai using his own teddy as a hostage?_ Haruhi mused. _And why is Dazai holding a gun? He's not at work, he can't go round threatening innocent civillians here_.

"Would you risk your life?" asked Shanks coldly.

"What?" said Tamaki, confused.

" I mean guns aren't for threats, they're for actions."

Tamaki's hand shook. He'd never touched a gun before and wasn't sure he even knew how to use one. Why did Dazai even carry one around? It was probably sans-bullets. But he couldn't risk it with Kuma-Chan's life at stake. He lowered the gun slowly as Dazai lowered the bear, both watching each other closely, ready to retaliate should they need to.

. . .

Usopp was unsure of who to approach with his problem. Shanks had always been a close friend of the father he'd never met, so he'd always thought of him as a father figure.

"Er, professor?" he said nervously. "I needed **One Piece** of advice about something but it's kind of personal."

Shanks looked at the smol boy curiously.

His hands and abnormal nose were sweety, his cheeks were flaming, and his fists were clenched.

"Sure go, ahead." said Shanks kindly.

"Well, it's someone who works at this school. He's handsome, funny and he has his prorities straight. Anyway I really like him but..."

"Let me stop you there," said Shanks. He knew where this was going. It had happened before many a time, however normally it was female students who were attractive enough for it to be flattering. Usopp…well, Shanks felt more pity for the boy than complimented. Given the lack of experience he was sure Usopp had, he felt an outright rejection would crush him.

"We can talk later but now I just have to go or I'll be late for a _date._ " The word 'date' was said pointedly, hoping the lad would get the point.

"Oh, with Luffy?" inquired Usopp.

"Nah, she's just my bitch. I'm going with…Hawkeye." Hawkeye was used to rolling with the gay-for-each-other lie – many times Hawkeye had invited Shanks to his parent's Christmas dinners so as not to be seen as chaste and frigid by his elderly family, so he didn't really care.

 **frequent update as promised winky face. comments for faster updates guys!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Right," said Kunikida. "According to my Ideal, Professor Shanks' lesson ended on time so we're on schedule. We need to get on with our missions. Dazai, Atsushi and I have a missing persons case to deal with. He was last seen at his girlfriend's apartment yesterday at 9.30pm, however he never made it home. He is an important city official, so we must solve this quickly. Where do you think we should start, Dazai?" There was no response from the dark individual, who seemed to be unaware that he was even being addressed. "Eh, Dazai!" Kunikida shouted as he hit the man he believed to be Dazai over the head, unaware that it was not.  
Tamaki-in-Dazai's-body winced at the pain, though nothing compared to his wounded pride from his heated argument with Dazai. "What is it, Kyoya?"  
"What?" Kunikida felt confusion fall over him. Had he gotten Kunikida and Kyoya confused? Kunikida secretly felt proud to be mixed up with the smart and handsome young man that was Kyoya, however he refused to show this. "Have you even been listening to a word I've said, Dazai?" When faced with Dazai's blank stare, Kunikida growled in annoyance. "Let's just leave and get out of here!" He shoved Dazai and Atsushi towards the door and to the awaiting world of crime and punishment.

-

The street was in chaos. Kunikida had blood dripping down his face, Atsushi clutched his tiger arm with a tiger claw moaning in pain. Tamaki laid the floor, a fog of blackness shrouding his body. "Dazai!" Screamed Kunikida. "Use No Longer Human on him." The mentioned man was the culprit of the missing persons case; his name was Tennessee Williams and had the ability to make people impotent, called Period of Adjustment. The buildings nearby still had smoke billowing out after being hit with full force of this dangerous power.  
Atsushi whimpered nearby, but upon seeing the face of his mentor being overcome with full terror, he felt a surge of confidence. "I must save everyone if I want the right to live," he exclaimed. Gripping Tamaki by the arm, he transformed his legs into tiger calves and he launched himself towards Tennessee and threw his supposed mentor at the criminal, causing Tamaki's outstretched hand to touch him.  
And yet, the ability did not stop! Atsushi gasped in confusion. At that he point he realised how strange it was, that he could transform his tiger limbs and yet touch who he thought to be Dazai at the same time. "Dazai-san's ability doesn't work." The realisation hit him like a rock, and he wondered how they were going to beat such a powerful ability without No Longer Human.  
"I am the most powerful criminal of all time!" Tennessee cried. "No one can resist the Period of Adjustment!"  
"But, hey?" Tamaki cried. "How could someone do this to moi? I'm too beautiful to die!"  
"I need to feed my family! This is the only way!"  
Suddenly, Tamaki understood. "This man," he said gently, "he's just trying to be a good person by helping his family, but is too poor. Well I say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do!"  
"What are you muttering about now Dazai?" Kunikida shouted harshly.  
"Kyoya, I want to help this man feed his family."  
Kunikida and Atsushi screamed in confusion.  
"But he's a criminal!"  
"But not out of choice!" Tamaki rebutted. "If we want him to not be one, then we must help him, not be his enemy."  
Kunikida was about to refuse, then spotted the puppy-dog look that spread over his partner's face. He had never seen this before, but knew immediately it was impossible to refuse.

-

After providing Tennessee and his family with enough food for the week, Tamaki felt happy with himself. He'd manage to do some good, and help an unfortunate commoner. And as a bonus, the issuing official was only to have been used a hostage and so was returned safe and well. All in all, Tamaki's first mission had been a success.

 **author: for our only fave/follower! 3 please feel free to review! .**


	4. Chapter 4

Dazai-in-Tamaki's-body twitters around the host club. A young princess sits on an upholstered armchair – Dazai sits before her on his knees, grabbing her hand. "My sweet princess, will you caress my body with your sweet, sweet fingers and then blend me in a smoothie machine and drink me like a sweet nectar of youth?"

The girls leans forward. "I'll suck you like a sweet nectar of youth," she says in a lewd fashion.

Dazai leads her out of Hawkeye's music room and into the adjoining office.

Meanwhile Mori-senpai, Mafia leader, is in the host club, sipping a glass of red wine and staring at the most gorgeous little girl. When Honey was thirteen he discovered his love for cross-dressing, stealing clothes from Kunakida's secret girl closet, and now goes under the pseudo of Elise. Elise desires a lot of attention, short flouncy skirts and a pink bunny to make her happy. Mafia Mori cannot stop gazing at her gorgeous, toned calves; unshaven legs – Elise is a dream and she knows it. Mafia Mori beckons Elise over and she perches her round buttocks on his thigh, looking up at Mafia Mori through blonde lashes. She says in a high tone, "Will you be my Daddy?"

Ouran Mori's dark eyes surveyed the room in an attempt to look after his cousin. Mori's eyes met Mori's eyes and gave him a dark look.

"As long as I can call you my beautiful girl," Mori says with upturned lips. Elise's giggle is short and pinching to the ear, but Mori is a desperate elderly man who needs to have his perverted desires fulfilled.

Sanji is getting desperate again. Nami has started flirting with Brook and even Sanji's obsession can't rival the dead. "It's disrespectful to interfere with the dead's wishes, right?" Sanji asks Chopper.

Chopper is too busy polishing his antlers as he looks at Tamaki's teddy bear. "Do you reckon she'll like me back?"

Sanji looks at Chopper oddly and at the inanimate object Chopper is planning to bone. "Sure, Chopper. She'll adore you."

Chopper drools and wipes at his chin, polishing his hooves now. "Do you think I'll have a chance?" he asks, mouth open. He huffs and his chest heaves as he looks at the teddy bear Tamaki has perched on a footstool.

"Of course," Sanji says in a heavy tone, looking at Chopper in confusion.

Meanwhile Sanji, who has had trouble sitting still, stiffens when the most beautiful woman enters the room. He looses control – his arms have a mind of their own – they start waving at his sides – his legs loose control in a crazy tap-dance – he falls to the floor and moves in a very worm-esque way – Zoro follows beside the etheral woman and _touches her arm_ – he touches her arm! Sanji, alarmed by Zoro's game, shouts, "Damn son!"

Zoro looks at the floor Sanji and knows exactly he is so infatuated. This woman who he is guiding through the host club she has never been in _– is not a woman_. He's a crossdresser. But the name of Kuranosuke. He loves jellyfish and princesses, and most importantly, his brother Shu.

Looking at Sanji's state, the snot-esque warrior snorts. "Oh, he definitely likes you," he says to Kuranosuke.


End file.
